Revisions

1. Original Poem

The Heart

When only you changes,
perhaps the heart,
so ferocious will slow
those blazing colors
and surround your desire
for every almost and maybe
and bring a fresh day.

2. Advice

Blayne - I very much liked your poem "Christmas Eve."  Good effort working with form!  Unfortunately, I reserved the May column for the winning poem, and the poem was not a good match for the May column.  I also thought "The Heart" was very successful, with excellent description.  The end was not as strong as the the beginning and middle.  

Mimi Moriarty

3. Revised Poem

The Heart

When only you changes,

perhaps the heart,

so ferocious,

will slow those blazing colors.

Those rainbows of emotion

and enmity,

those symphonies 

of desire and despair. 

Folding again into the 

immaculate diamond.

4. Which is better?

The revised poem is better because, like Moriarty said, the ending wasn't as strong as the beginning and middle, so i tried to determine where the "end" was (which took a very long time) and revised from there, using stronger language to better convey my idea.